Thursday, February 17, 2011

Sony: "Is That What You Want, Nintendo? Whip 'em Out? Measure 'em?"

NOTE: We, at The 8-Bit Variety Show, are a family-friendly site, and our posts range in their content from "G" to "PG-13". There is nothing that will destroy your life in the following article (unless bad Photoshop does the trick), but this article is definitely more on the PG-13 end of the spectrum. If that would bother you, put down the web-enabled device and walk away slowly. If not, ENJOY, LAUGH, AND SHOW THOSE WHO WALKED AWAY THAT THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE BY LAUGHING AND ENJOYING!

With the follow-up to the PSP-3000 officially announced, it would appear that Sony has issued a challenge to Nintendo, and their next handheld, the 3DS. It is not a challenge of graphical power, of connectivity, of storage or multimedia capability. No, it is a challenge to see who can have the largest handheld around, and when it comes to holding large things in their hands, Sony, and their all-male R&D team, think that they have Nintendo beat.

*Hand Enlarged to Show Texture

"We've been concentrating really hard," said Sony R&D supervisor Thomas Bighands. "The NGP is a total size revolution, and after hours of work, and with the inclusion of a front-mounted touchscreen and a rear mounted touchpad, we have integrated hundreds of different ways to touch, stroke, and caress it. It'll REALLY get you excited."

Research and Development began work on the NGP only a few days after the launch of the PSP-3000 when one of the head technicians had a girl laugh at him on a date when he pulled out his PSP.

"It totally changed my perspective." The technician told The 8-Bit Variety Show correspondent on condition of anonymity. "I have never felt smaller than I did when she pointed at the size of my handheld and snickered. I knew that there had to be other guys out there like me who just needed something BIGGER, and I did this for them. We've increased, length, thickness, and overall girth, and frankly, the Nintendo 3DS just can't compete."

Nintendo, however, feels differently.

When told the above statement, an executive at Nintendo replied: "We, at Nintendo, try to put innovation before size. Sure, the 3DS isn't as rounded, and as sensitive to touch as the NGP, but we've done things with our 3D technology that allows our users to penetrate so much deeper into the game worlds."

"We feel that having all that size could get tiresome, and preliminary tests are indicating that NGP users could have back problems. 3DS users, on the other hand, can pull the stylus from its crevice on the back of the device, and extend it on demand, gaining another inch of length when they need it most."

Whether Nintendo or Sony is right about their product will remain to be seen, but when asked why they called their new system the NGP, our contact at the company replied: "NGP... The name itself sounds like a male-enhancement drug, doesn't it? We want our users to feel confident with what they have in their pocket."



  1. OH MY GOSH. I feel like I just read the script for one of those "natural male enhancement" supplement commercials. But Sony, size doesn't matter. It's what you do with what you've got that really matters. ;)

  2. Oh my gosh, absolutely hysterical!!


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